Game of Thrones, Season 1, Ep. 1, Part 3 (Definitely Not an Allegory)

This is my screenshot summary of Game of Thrones Season 1 Episode 1, Part 3 (Definitely Not an Allegory)

Want to see a different part or episode?  Go HERE for a complete list of completed summaries.

Warning: Spoilers within, and a note that dialogue is not necessarily directly from the episode. This blog also contains completely inappropriate amounts of profanity.

Dead Stag: Ohai.  I'm dead.  And I'm a stag.  Fun fact- did you know that the Stag is the sigil of King Robert?  Just a coincidence, that.

Ned: Hm, a dead stag.  Wonder what killed it?

Dead Stag:  Oh, nothing...just my fucking GUTS hanging out.  Are you blind?  Oh, and by the way, my death from my guts hanging out is not foreshadowing future events in any way. Nope.
Ned: Fair enough.

Ned: And look here!  A dead direwolf!  What an amazing coincidence.
Dead Direwolf: You said it.

Jory Cassel: Huh.  What killed it, I wonder?

Ned: Maybe it was this foot-long piece of stag antler in it's throat.  That's not significant, right?
Dead Direwolf: Not at all. Pinkie swear.

Bran: Dad, can I keep it?

Theon: This must not be.  I fucking hate fuzzy and cute things, because deep down inside I long to be fuzzy and cute myself.

Theon: Give it here, and let me show you my inner animal abuser.

Theon:  Yes.....yes.....

Jon: Wait, Lord Stark! (I'm calling you that instead of Father, because I enjoy playing the victim of being the "outcast").

Ned:  O...K...  What were you saying?

Jon: Oh, yeah!  You have 5 trueborn children (2 female and 3 male), and here are 5 direwolf pups (2 female and 3 male).  The direwolf is the sigil of your House, etc., etc., and this scene is just fucking dripping with symbolism, so let the kids keep the puppies, already.

Ned: Oh...yeah, I suppose you're right.  Well, ok then, guess you kids all get puppies. Put away your knife, Theon.

Theon: Damnit all to hell.

Bran: But, what about you Jon?

Jon: I'm not a Stark.

FOREVER ILLEGITIMATE (AND ALONE)

Jon: Wait, what's that whimpery puppy wolf sound coming from over there?

Jon: Why, it's a whimpery wolf puppy!  Who would have thought it?  NO LONGER FOREVER ALONE! And look, he's all white like the Snow, which happens to be my last name.  This is definitely not an allegory.

Robb: That's great Jon, I'm happy for you!
Trolleon Greyjoy: Nah, the albino fur just means he'll die faster than the others.

 Jon: I will fucking murder you in your sleep, Greyjoy.


TO BE CONTINUED... Read the next part here: Ep.1, Part 4 - The Lannisters Are Coming, The Lannisters Are Coming!