Game of Thrones, Season 1, Ep. 1, Part 4 (The Lannisters Are Coming! The Lannisters Are Coming!)

This is my screenshot summary of Game of Thrones Season 1 Episode 1, Part 4 (The Lannisters Are Coming, The Lannisters are Coming!)

Want to see a different part or episode? Go HERE for a complete list of completed summaries.

Warning: Spoilers within, and a note that dialogue is not necessarily directly from the episode. This blog also contains completely inappropriate amounts of profanity.

'Nuff said.

Bellringer: Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Banana Phone!

Silent Sisters: ...

Jon Arryn: Well, hello there. So glad you could make it to my funeral.  Do try the pickled fetus in glass jar, it is divine.  Oh!  I forgot to offer you a drink!  How silly of me. Would you like coffee, tea.....

Jon Arryn: Or Me?  *blows kiss*

 Cersei Lannister: I am so thrilled that you are dead, old man, that imma lean here in drippings of birdshit and gloat over your wrinkly ass.

Jaime Lannister: Hey, sis. What crawled up your ass and died?  You should be happy that the Hand of the King is dead.

Cersei: I am happy, but worried.  Jon Arryn was asking questions about us before he died.  He thought we were fucking each other secretly.

Jaime: ....we ARE fucking each other secretly.

Cersei: I know that.  My point is, what if he told the King before he died?

Jaime: You worry too much.  If the King knew you were giving me head every night, neither one of us would HAVE heads right now.

Cersei: Gods, say it a little louder, why don't you?

Jaime:  Settle down, bitch.  The only people within earshot are a dead guy and the Silent Sisters.  They're called "Silent Sisters" for a reason, you know.  By the way, did you know that you're leaning in a big puddle of birdshit?

Cersei:  You know, sometimes I really hate your fucking guts.

Jaime: I know.  So. Wanna go have angry sex?

Cersei: Does the pope shit in the woods?

Jon Arryn: Can I come with? I like to watch.

~*~*~

Raven: You've got mail, motherfuckers.

Catelyn: Hey, honey-- how's that um...sword cleaning coming?

Ned: Catelyn!  I'm glad to see you, light of my life!  I wanted to plan our next date night-- I thought maybe we could go into the village-- they're going to shear the sheep tonight, and you know how horny that makes me...

Catelyn: Yeah, about that.... I don't know how to tell you this, but the man you were like a son to is dead.

Ned: You really know how to kill the mood, Cat.

Catelyn: I know, I'm sorry.  That's not all though.  The King is coming here, and he is bringing his bitch Queen and her whole family with him.

Ned: There's only one reason he could have to travel all the way to this freezing backwater.  He must want me to be Hand of the King.

Catelyn: You can always tell him no, Ned.

Ned: One does not simply walk into Mordor, Catelyn.

Ned: Wait, where the fuck am I?

TO BE CONTINUED...

Game of Thrones, Season 1, Ep. 1, Part 3 (Definitely Not an Allegory)

This is my screenshot summary of Game of Thrones Season 1 Episode 1, Part 3 (Definitely Not an Allegory)

Want to see a different part or episode?  Go HERE for a complete list of completed summaries.

Warning: Spoilers within, and a note that dialogue is not necessarily directly from the episode. This blog also contains completely inappropriate amounts of profanity.

Dead Stag: Ohai.  I'm dead.  And I'm a stag.  Fun fact- did you know that the Stag is the sigil of King Robert?  Just a coincidence, that.

Ned: Hm, a dead stag.  Wonder what killed it?

Dead Stag:  Oh, nothing...just my fucking GUTS hanging out.  Are you blind?  Oh, and by the way, my death from my guts hanging out is not foreshadowing future events in any way. Nope.
Ned: Fair enough.

Ned: And look here!  A dead direwolf!  What an amazing coincidence.
Dead Direwolf: You said it.

Jory Cassel: Huh.  What killed it, I wonder?

Ned: Maybe it was this foot-long piece of stag antler in it's throat.  That's not significant, right?
Dead Direwolf: Not at all. Pinkie swear.

Bran: Dad, can I keep it?

Theon: This must not be.  I fucking hate fuzzy and cute things, because deep down inside I long to be fuzzy and cute myself.

Theon: Give it here, and let me show you my inner animal abuser.

Theon:  Yes.....yes.....

Jon: Wait, Lord Stark! (I'm calling you that instead of Father, because I enjoy playing the victim of being the "outcast").

Ned:  O...K...  What were you saying?

Jon: Oh, yeah!  You have 5 trueborn children (2 female and 3 male), and here are 5 direwolf pups (2 female and 3 male).  The direwolf is the sigil of your House, etc., etc., and this scene is just fucking dripping with symbolism, so let the kids keep the puppies, already.

Ned: Oh...yeah, I suppose you're right.  Well, ok then, guess you kids all get puppies. Put away your knife, Theon.

Theon: Damnit all to hell.

Bran: But, what about you Jon?

Jon: I'm not a Stark.

FOREVER ILLEGITIMATE (AND ALONE)

Jon: Wait, what's that whimpery puppy wolf sound coming from over there?

Jon: Why, it's a whimpery wolf puppy!  Who would have thought it?  NO LONGER FOREVER ALONE! And look, he's all white like the Snow, which happens to be my last name.  This is definitely not an allegory.

Robb: That's great Jon, I'm happy for you!
Trolleon Greyjoy: Nah, the albino fur just means he'll die faster than the others.

 Jon: I will fucking murder you in your sleep, Greyjoy.


TO BE CONTINUED... Read the next part here: Ep.1, Part 4 - The Lannisters Are Coming, The Lannisters Are Coming!